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| I feel like just a man, vastly lost in this world, lost in a sea of faces.
Walking around campus, I feel like nobody knows me. Or cares. It feels like the people I pass on the sidewalk, the people I sit with at lunch, the people who I spend time with on a regular basis, just see what they want to see and refuse to look deeper into the person beneath the face, behind the walls. My best friends... they have an interesting way of showing me they care. At all. I can count on one hand the amount of people who ask me how my day went and actually sit around and show interest in the answer. It seems like the love and interest I strive to express in the lives of others never comes full circle.
So I'll wait. Someday, I will find that friend who knows me, loves me for what I am, inside and out, and enjoys my friendship. Someday.
For now... I'm just one in a million faces. | | |
| ya this was a facebook thing. just thought i would share it with the world of xanga!
i don't feel like tagging ppl. haha.
1. i like hot-tubbing
2. i wanna go to california... now. and not return
3. i like hot wings
4. i have little bumps and growths under my skin that nobody seems to be able to identify but apparently they're benign so whatever.
5. i've always wanted to be in a high speed police chase
6. if i wasn't night blind, i would probably be on tour in iraq right now
7. i wanna learn to fly, but never will... see above
8. i hate spiders and bugs and anything that creeps, crawls or squirms.
9. i want a dachshund
10. i like running in the cold.
11. i may or may not have noticed that my father tagged his first-born in his "25 things" note long before he tagged anyone else in his family, including his wife, second only to alli cline.
12. i am discreetly over-analytical at times. see above.
13. i get annoyed when ppl continually txt me or message me "hey" like they're a little puppy needing attention
14. i like playing in the rain
15. but i hate being cold and wet.
16. i journal like the worlds about to end. so if you did something that upset me, i probably got over it, but will get mad all over again when i got back and re-read that particular entry. haha
17. i have always wanted to be the lead vocalist in a rock band.
18. i use my mirror as a make-believe camera/audience and do rock shows in my room when i am alone. it's embarrassing to get walked in on... "uh i wasnt just uh... checking for zitz..."
19. i am a fiend of hot beverages... coffee... tea... mate... cocoa... if you offer, i'm there
20. i love it when people read into everything i say and take it the wrong way and/or throw it in my face at the time, or later, either one.
21. i have written two series of books, in my head, and hope to someday have the time and motivation to actually put them on paper and publish them.
22. i never really feel like i fit in. never have. i don't really know why. it makes no sense because i have friends. i dunno im a weirdie
23. i love singing around professional musicians because it makes me feel so good about myself when i get looks and/or comments of judgmental, condescending criticism.
24. i feel closer to my family these days than i ever have in my whole life... and i love it. :)
24.5 i hate chain letters, forwards, pass-on's, "you've been tagged, now you gotta do it"'s, and the like, and never do them. ever.
25. i can sometimes be sarcastic. sometimes.
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| It is clear that Tuesday was most likely the most important day of 2009, and in many ways the most important day in American history. For the first time since George Washington uttered that same sacred oath over two hundred years ago, a colored man was sworn into the office of President of the United States. He won the election by a landslide, carrying more popularity votes and support among minorities than any other president ever, spare Reagan. Needless to say, the people are in full support of Barack Obama, no matter what. They will stand beside him, behind him, and follow him as he leads America out of these dark times.
What if?
Four months and seven years ago, America was decimated by the fall of the Twin Towers on 9/11. There was also the mystery surrounding the events of the Pentagon attack, but one need not speculate on all the covert goings-on around that time. Moreover, there is the discrepancies that permeated the story of Flight 93 and the heroic feat of the young men aboard that plane as they overthrew the foreign assailants and bravely sacrificed the lives on the plane in order to spare the lives of the many in Washington. Needless to say, there is an exceeding amount of secrecy and mystery encapsulating the events of that horrid day. The widespread rumor that the entire day and all of its facets were nothing more than an intricately woven government conspiracy. The evidence, or more likely LACK of evidence, is staggering. The more research people do, the more questions arise, and the less accountable the government becomes.
What if?
What if it was a conspiracy? The Bush Administration and other men of influence in Washington and across the country got together to formulate a plan to initiate an invasion of the Middle East, namely Iraq. Perhaps President Bush, or someone in representation of the president, had a series of discreet appointments and conversations with Osama Bin Ladin. They decided that Bin Ladin did not need the support of the Taliban, and it would work perfectly for him to take the heat for a series of attacks on the American nation in order to provoke an invasion of Afghanistan, eventually leading to the investigation and subsequent invasion of Iraq. The plan was flawless. And completely hidden and disguised behind the intricacy of a governmental cover-up.
What if?
The day after President Obama was elected to the presidency, he immediately underwent a series of confidential meetings with government officials and intelligence directors. What if these top-secret meetings were in fact Obama's briefings on the 9/11 conspiracy, giving him the lameduck period to determine what he was going to do with that information and how it would effect his administration? He could do anything with that information. He could use it to play the hero and "uncover" a Republican scandal, forever gaining him the support and trust of the people as he promises to do away with government corruption. He could, with the nation behind him, completely disband the Senate, making him the unchecked dictator of America. As mentioned above, Obama has way too much support from the people that, at this point, whatever he says or does, they will follow, willingly, as he does away with democracy and sets himself up as the monarch of America.
What if?
Makes you wonder, doesn't it. Check it out. Get on the internet and look up conspiracy theories on 9/11. It will make you sick to your stomach. The disposal of Flight 93. The complete disappearance of Flight 77 from the Pentagon. The bombs on the lower floors of the World Trade Centers, put there to complete the collapsing process. The INSTANT widespread explanation for this "surprise" attack. The intentional demolition of Tower 7 in Manhattan. The mysterious absence of any Flight Deck Recorder, or "black box," for any of the supposed four airplanes utilized. America was not ready for 9/11? Corrections... Americans were not ready for 9/11. Their leaders? That might be a different story.
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| I finally figured out why I can't figure out what I want to do with my life. The reason is quite simple, and came to me in some random sort of epiphany this evening. I can't decide what I want to do, because I can't for the life of me come up with a "second best" direction for my life. You see, my entire life, I have ever only wanted to do one thing with my life. But that is the one thing (or should I say one of the many things) I am not even allowed to do with my life. It's kinda sick and twisted, a cruel joke to play on a soul. Why even create me and allow me to grow up and develop these desires and goals and dreams and aspirations if I am incapable of reaching even the first of many of them? I have dreams from here to Polaris, but get stuck on this side of the moon, unable to venture any further.
I feel like the donkey pulling a plow across a field. I have a duty to do because someone expects me to do it, but all the while there's this carrot dangling in front of my face, just close enough to smell, but never attainable. The reason I am here hung plainly in front of my face, something I will never come close to achieving. I have these dreams, and they are to me like the greenest grass on a million hillsides, all blockaded by an ominous fence over which I will never be allowed to advance. The phrase "life's not fair" doesn't even touch the level of injustice with which I am forced to live every day, every night, for the rest of forever. One little thing is responsible for keeping me from my dreams. So instead, I go to college, get grades, pursue some makeshift second-rate career all the while knowing I was meant for something else but made for nothing at all. Interesting concept that one... the purpose goes beyond the person.
I wish they would just give me a chance. If they let me try, I would out-work the guys next to me. I would out-perform every man who ever went against me. They are missing one of their most valuable men simply because they won't give me a chance. All I am asking for is one opportunity to get past all the superfluous red tape and let me prove myself. I have what it takes.
But I can't prove it. I'll never be able to. So I get to teach instead. Or work at a church. Or a camp. Or some other middle-class job, contributing to a hopeless economy so that maybe by the time I'm 60 I'll be able to retire. Oh wait... social security won't last that long. I'll have to work until i die. Either way that sounds great. I'd much rather do that than actually live out the life I was meant to have. No big deal.
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| I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left,
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been... It's weird. I can't sleep anymore. I tried for awhile. I tossed and turned. I got up, grabbed my journal and did what I do when I need to vent. Still couldn't sleep. Now my mind is racing worse than before. Where are these thoughts even coming from? I don't get it. I was over you. I mean, like I had completely forgotten, moved on. I was happy. Just two hours ago I was happy. My heart is racing along with my head. My hand is still shaking from writing as much as I did. I can't help but wonder... are you really happy? Am I really happy? It makes no sense to me. Why would something so obvious be so hard? For both of us? For me? Why do I have to care so much about what everyone else thinks? We fought.
Said things we didn't mean...
or did we?
I hope not.
or do I?
This constant battle. Back and forth with my head and my heart.
Why does this have to be so hard?
Why do you have to be so far away?
So close?
We were close.
We always have been.
Closer than anyone else has ever been to either of us.
Why would we just drop that?
Why would I just drop that?
If I could remember how to cry I would.
Until then...
I'm going to run.
It's what I'm best at. We're looking up at the same night sky...
I keep pretending the sun will not rise.
We'll be together for one more night somewhere... somehow. As I'm looking to the sky to count the stars
I wonder if you see them where you are... I'll come back...
Try to leave a light on while I'm gone. | | |
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